On the evening of November 29, 2014, after a long and serious struggle with the deadly lucrum virus, the Season of Advent collapsed and was officially declared dead. Immediately after the declaration of death, festive decorations were put up and joyous holiday music was played everywhere to make sure no one missed it. The Season, which not too long ago was vibrant and capable of going strong for four weeks, had been growing weak in recent decades and had to keep shortening its appearances. The eventual failure occurred despite all of the attempts in recent years to revive it. At the wake, a handful of elderly mourners kept saying over and over that the demise was “too soon.” During the prayer service at the wake, the priest assured them that the Season was in a better place now and would no longer have to suffer the torment it was going through. In order to honor the Season’s memory, the priest said that the church would be decorated with purple one last time during the funeral.
The cause of death was from a progressive virus that the Season contracted in November 1924. At that time, secular forces released the lucrum virus in midtown New York in an operation codenamed “Thanksgiving Day Parade”. This seemingly innocent yet instantly popular event, masked the release of the deadly virus, which was designed to infect the culture over a long period of time. Having been released successfully at the start of the Season, the virus eventually infected the entire Season of Advent. As the virus continued to spread, many people began avoiding the Season altogether, as they could not bear to watch it wither away before their eyes. Because the virus took several decades to spread and had to pass through three stages before it could run its course, there was no hope in the final days to administer an antidote and try to revive it.
The effects of the lucrum virus on the Season of Advent required three stages to complete its task. Stage I of the virus included a transmutation in thinking in which people began to believe that the period from Thanksgiving to Christmas was a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, and not a time of preparation for His Second Coming. In an effort to divert attention from this Stage, the virus coerced help from one of the great saints of the Catholic Tradition – St. Nicholas. However, it was determined that the saint needed to change his name and wear a disguise. These changes were codenamed “Operation Santa Claus”. Throughout this period, lucrum convinced people they had to prepare for the coming of this revamped version of St. Nicholas, who would be the one to judge if someone were naughty or nice. Instead of eternal damnation or salvation on Judgment Day, the mythical figure would either punish with a lump of coal or reward with a lavish gift. The ploy worked well because, with the help of a little girl named Virginia, throughout this initial stage, many came to believe that the Christmas Season actually began on Thanksgiving Day and ended Christmas Day, and that it was Santa Claus who was coming to judge, not Jesus.
Shortly after Stage I had infected most of the Christian population, Stage II began in which a variant of the lucrum virus infected corporate America. To make this stage of the disease effective, they needed to develop a super strain of the virus. In addition to the new strain, the secular forces discovered a new weapon called "subliminal seduction". This new system worked well in the growing industry called television, with its deceptive sidekick called "Advertising". The use of this new weapon made it possible to infect those who do not believe in Jesus with the even more powerful version of the lucrum virus. With this new weapon in hand, the virus crossed religious boundaries and spread at a rapid rate. The super strain released in Stage II took a greater toll on the Season of Advent and caused more damage than occurred in Stage I. By the end of this stage, the Season was barely recognizable.
As stage II spread, the super strain of the virus needed a new obsession to redirect the attention of everyone from the Truth so that no one would even notice as the virus spread. It was during this stage that the secular forces implemented a new frenzy codenamed “Black Friday”. With this new obfuscation in place, it was easy for the newly developed super strain of the virus to infect the public at large. An important and strategic dimension that contributed to the success of this stage was the development of a string of heartwarming nameless holidays that happened every day throughout the month of December. This string of nameless holidays received the codename “Holiday Season”.
It was not until the implementation of Stage III, however, that the final blow occurred to the central nervous system of the Season of Advent, and caused irreparable damage. Because there was some resistance from the followers of Christ, the infection had to infiltrate the Body to its core. The only way to succeed at this point was to make sure Christians were infected, or at least silenced. Stage III was marked by the tactic codenamed “political correctness and tolerance”. This particular tactic was designed to neutralize the antibodies that were resisting the infection. The only way for this stage to accomplish its task was to break up the battalions that could defeat the virus. This final stage had to be a year-round campaign in order to break up the strongest defense against it, that is, the Christian family. The measure of success would be the ability to divide families on the one quasi pseudo-religious holiday that had long been a strong family day – Thanksgiving. To this end, the enemy measured its success in an operation codenamed “Gray Thursday”. To their delight, it worked to perfection.
With strong Christian families torn apart and the virus firmly in place, it was only a matter of time before the Season would breathe its last breadth. With most of the nation infected, especially through multiple incursions made within the ranks of the followers of Jesus Christ, the Season of Advent passed quietly with almost no friends or family at its side. Even the priest called to administer last rites arrived too late, as he was out shopping for holiday gifts when the call came in. Because the death of the Season was relatively unnoticed by just about everyone, the wake was attended by a handful of mourners in their nineties, who shared distant memories from the heyday of the Season.
In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to stop in a local church and light any pink or purple candles that they find. These candles will be made available for four weeks, at which time they will be replaced with holiday trees.
If you do not believe this obituary is true, just say to any Catholic parents of a young child that they should tell their child the truth about Santa.